Perv-y Neil Diamond, Jesus Juice, and a Xanex

I could hear Dr. B’s voice sing some bizarre rendition of Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline,” before we reached the circus room.  When we walked in, I saw Dr. B wearing a silk kimono covered in red dragons belting out the lyrics on the screen.

            “Sweet Caroline, gettin’ head never felt so good,” Dr. B said.

            I’d already thought there was something a little pervy about Neil Diamond before, maybe it was just the porn sounds of the seventies, but I have to admit Dr. B’s performance left me speechless.  I noticed there were two other men sitting on the red vinyl couches, surrounded by portraits of circus oddities.  One guy was wearing a paisley satin robe with furry slippers, and the other looked like a slightly softer, less angular version of American Psycho, complete with his velvet cigar jacket and slicked back hair.  Dr. B finished his song and practically skipped over to J.

            “You girls look wonderful!  The latex goes perfectly with the Big Top theme, and I love how you all coordinated.  Please, let me introduce you to my friends,” Dr. B said.

            Dr. B put his hand on the shoulder of the balding guy in the paisley robe.

            “This is my friend, John.   He’s a gastroenterologist at the same hospital where I work.  We do a lot of surgeries together,” Dr. B said.  “He’s a pretty cool guy, and has a ton of great ass stories.”

            When Dr. John stood up to shake our hands, I noticed he wasn’t a whole lot taller than me.  He must have been around 5’7,” but it was clear he worked out a lot, probably to compensate for that fact.  He had bigger boobs then mine, and seemed like the type who might make them dance for you, whether you asked for it or not.   But, he had a nice smile.

            “My name is L,” L said.  “I’ve heard a lot of wonderful things about you.”

            It was clear that L wasn’t wasting any time.  She seemed very happy with the match, and wanted to make it clear that she was going after Dr. John.  I noticed that the edges of Dr. John’s robe were fraying, and wondered if this were the same one he wore when at home and drinking his morning coffee.

            “And this here is my friend, Alan.  We were roommates together at Duke, and he’s a patent attorney here in town.  We used to sing in the Pitchforks acapella group together,” Dr. B said.  “After his divorce, I convinced him to move down to Austin, so we could party together.”

            Alan stood up and smiled.  His teeth were bright and white, and it made me wonder briefly if he were addicted to the Crest whitening strips.  He seemed nice enough upon first glance, so I took a seat next to him.

            Jess sat in Dr. B’s lap and wrapped her pink boa around his neck.

            “We need something to drink,” Jess said.

            “Of course, whatever my mistress desires,” Dr. B said.

            I could tell Dr. B was in rare form tonight.  He was probably just excited to play matchmaker.  I noticed he rushed out wearing Jess’s boa and immediately came back with a couple bottles full of cocktails and six glasses.  Alan stood up to help him, since it seemed like a lot to balance on one tray.

            “We’ve got Moscow Mules, El Diablos, and Gin Brambles.  Basically, vodka, tequila, or gin.  I’m also happy to provide you with any special requests,” Dr. B said.

            He winked at J, who smiled knowingly at me.  J whispered to L about Dr. B’s special pharmacy, and she excitedly nodded her head.

            “You know, I don’t normally do anything much beyond a little Jesus juice, but if it’s been okayed by the US Government, then it must be safe,” L said.

            I shrugged my shoulders.  At least there were two doctors readily available, if there were any problems.

            “I want something relaxing, like a mommy’s little helper, or whatever the current thing is these days,” L said.

            Dr. B reached into his pocket and pulled out a Xanax.

            “What do you think John?” Dr. B said.

            “Yeah sure, that’s a good place to start.  How about a round of these to go with the cocktails?” Dr. John said.


            I’d heard of Xanax; I didn’t get the impression that it was much of a recreational drug, but then what did I know?  My mom had a bottle of it at home that she took after nasty fights with my dad, so how bad could it really be.  My guess is it would just take the edge off.  Dr. B gave three pills to J and she gave one to L and one to me.

You May Also Like

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *