“So explain to me to this whole virgin thing,” J said. “I’ve heard about this for awhile, but I need the details.”
L didn’t flinch.
“Well, pretty much anything goes, except the baby making stuff,” L said. “Sometimes you’ve got to get real creative.”
L seemed happy to be talking about it. I was surprised how she lit up.
“What do you mean?” I said.
“About saving my vag for Jesus or the creative part?” L said.
“I guess, either?” I said.
“Well, there’s my butt, and my boobs. Those work real well, and then I’ve got my mouth and my hands,” L said. “You know, I’ve never had anyone complain.”
L took a big bite of queso and smiled.
“That seems like a lot of work,” J said.
“It totally is,” L said. “But I know Jesus is watching, even under the covers, so I check myself.”
I honestly didn’t know what to say. Church of Christ was big in Lubbock, so nothing I was hearing was particularly new. This was just the first time I was hearing it defined for me in great detail.
“So you’ve seriously never had sex?” I said.
“Nope. Sometimes if I’m feeling naughty, I’ll let them put it in an inch. But then I hold the base of it with my hand, so there’s no way it’s going anywhere,” L said.
“That counts,” J said. “You can still get pregnant and catch an STD from that shit. It’s all sex. If you’ve given a blow job, you’ve had sex, end of story.”
“Well, I did actually catch an STD last year. It wasn’t anything serious, though, nothing a round of Z-pack couldn’t cure,” L said. “That was a little awkward.”
“You’ve so had sex. Just admit it, so you can enjoy yourself,” I said.
“No way,” L said. “I’m nobody’s whore.”
“You know, Mary Magdalene was always Jesus’s favorite,” I said. “Some say she was even his wife.”
“That gives an entirely new meaning to the Madonna/Whore complex,” J said. “I guess Jesus was the OG in that regard. Anyway, if you’re interested in the kinky stuff, I may have a match for you.”
L looked up from her pancakes at this.
“Who is he? And what’s he into?” L said.
“Well, he’s a gastroenterologist here in town. He’s buddies with a guy I’ve been dating off and on for awhile. He’s totally cool though,” J said. “Maddie has hung out with him before.”
“Are you talking about Dr. B,” I said.
“Yeah, it’s Dr. B’s friend, Dr. John,” J said.
“Well, L was just saying how she wanted to skip dating and go straight to marriage material, maybe this would be it?” I said.
“As long as he’s cute, I’ll meet him,” L said.
“Well, it’s kinky karaoke night on Friday, so you guys join me,” J said.
“What is kinky karaoke?” I said.
“I don’t know,” J said. “It’s some bullshit that Dr. B made up, I guess. You get to wear an outfit, though, so it’s not that different from a frat party. At least it should be fun.”
“Oh, I definitely want to go,” L said.
“Are you in?” J said.
“Yeah, I’ll go. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Dr. B and his parties are entertaining, if nothing else,” I said.