The Virgin Thing, Jesus’s Fave – Mary Magdalene, and Kinky Karaoke

“So explain to me to this whole virgin thing,” J said.  “I’ve heard about this for awhile, but I need the details.”

            L didn’t flinch.

            “Well, pretty much anything goes, except the baby making stuff,” L said.  “Sometimes you’ve got to get real creative.”

            L seemed happy to be talking about it.  I was surprised how she lit up.

            “What do you mean?” I said.

            “About saving my vag for Jesus or the creative part?” L said.

            “I guess, either?” I said.

            “Well, there’s my butt, and my boobs.  Those work real well, and then I’ve got my mouth and my hands,” L said.  “You know, I’ve never had anyone complain.”

            L took a big bite of queso and smiled.

            “That seems like a lot of work,” J said.

            “It totally is,” L said.  “But I know Jesus is watching, even under the covers, so I check myself.”

            I honestly didn’t know what to say.  Church of Christ was big in Lubbock, so nothing I was hearing was particularly new.  This was just the first time I was hearing it defined for me in great detail.

            “So you’ve seriously never had sex?” I said.

            “Nope.  Sometimes if I’m feeling naughty, I’ll let them put it in an inch.  But then I hold the base of it with my hand, so there’s no way it’s going anywhere,” L said.

            “That counts,” J said.  “You can still get pregnant and catch an STD from that shit.  It’s all sex.  If you’ve given a blow job, you’ve had sex, end of story.”

            “Well, I did actually catch an STD last year.  It wasn’t anything serious, though, nothing a round of Z-pack couldn’t cure,” L said.  “That was a little awkward.”

            “You’ve so had sex.  Just admit it, so you can enjoy yourself,” I said.

            “No way,” L said.  “I’m nobody’s whore.”

            “You know, Mary Magdalene was always Jesus’s favorite,” I said.  “Some say she was even his wife.”
“That gives an entirely new meaning to the Madonna/Whore complex,” J said.  “I guess Jesus was the OG in that regard.  Anyway, if you’re interested in the kinky stuff, I may have a match for you.”

            L looked up from her pancakes at this.

            “Who is he?  And what’s he into?” L said.

            “Well, he’s a gastroenterologist here in town.  He’s buddies with a guy I’ve been dating off and on for awhile.  He’s totally cool though,” J said.  “Maddie has hung out with him before.”

            “Are you talking about Dr. B,” I said.

            “Yeah, it’s Dr. B’s friend, Dr. John,” J said.

            “Well, L was just saying how she wanted to skip dating and go straight to marriage material, maybe this would be it?” I said.

            “As long as he’s cute, I’ll meet him,” L said.

             “Well, it’s kinky karaoke night on Friday, so you guys join me,” J said.

            “What is kinky karaoke?” I said.

            “I don’t know,” J said.  “It’s some bullshit that Dr. B made up, I guess.  You get to wear an outfit, though, so it’s not that different from a frat party.  At least it should be fun.”

            “Oh, I definitely want to go,” L said.

            “Are you in?” J said.

            “Yeah, I’ll go.  It’s been awhile since I’ve seen Dr. B and his parties are entertaining, if nothing else,” I said.

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